'Our lives are constant pain and the grief unfathomable,' says MH17's pilot widow

I SETTLED my gaze on the slim figure seated before myself.

It was the 20th day of Ramadan and Mariam Yusof, the widow of Captain Wan Amran Wan Hussin, the pilot of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 was fiddling with a jigsaw puzzle set which she had completed with her late husband and their two sons several hours before Wan Amran was due to leave for the Netherlands on July 15.

“We just had our predawn (sahur) meal together. We were resting when my husband initiated us to solve the jigsaw puzzles,” said a bereaved Mariam, as her youngest son, Wan Yusuf Irfan looked sullenly at his mother.

“He insisted that we finished it fast and by the time, it was completed, I remember seeing taking some duct tapes and pasted them behind the set so that it won’t fall apart.”

Mariam paused for a moment before concluding … “I want to frame this … I must do it soon,” said Mariam, as she shed tears of pain.

In the months following the downing of the passenger jet, a seemingly bizarre assertion as such had played out in Mariam’s residence located in Alam Impian, Shah Alam in Selangor – made up of just 100 families, where entire communities are mourning together.

Wan Amran, 50, was among 298 passengers and crew killed when MH17 was shot down over rebel-held eastern Ukraine last July 17.

Forty-three Malaysians were killed in the tragedy, besides nationals from the Netherlands, Australia, Indonesia, the United Kingdom, Germany, Belgium, the Philippines, Canada and New Zealand.

For many families of those who perished when the plane was brought down, uncertainty and agonising waiting is still woven into the fabric of life even a year later.

Reconciling this fact with the knowledge that she was with her sons, every moment of it is one of the most relentless and excruciating difficulties of their current life, said Mariam.

“Our lives are just pain and what we endure is unfathomable as we grieve alongside the rest of the next-of-kin from the other parts of the world,” she said.

When met by Astro AWANI, Mariam was preparing to travel to the Netherlands with her two sons and sister-in-law for the memorial service in honour of the MH17 tragedy victims organised by the Dutch government.

Mariam and her small entourage along with other next-of-kin from Malaysia left for Amsterdam on Wednesday.

The bizarre dreams

Listening to Mariam talked about her life after the passing of her husband is like dive-bombing into a dream. Everything at first sounded pretty normal. Soon, things fell into disorder. The chronology hiccups. Incongruous thoughts collide.

The husband-and-wife duo had made plenty of plans and shared many a dream. Wan Amran, who had served Malaysia Airlines for 25 years, had shared with her his dream to retire in her hometown in Kelantan.

“Kota Bharu, she said, “my husband and I planned to build our dream house there. We shared a dream to open a beehoon factory after he retires. Beehoon soup was one of his favourite dishes,” said Mariam, as she wiped the tears and her voice trembled from emotions.

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Describing him as funny and most loved by his family members and relatives, Mariam said that Wan Amran was a jovial person but yet there was a very quiet dignity about him.

“Now I see him only in my head. I can’t touch him, I can’t feel his warmth. Each time I thought of him, I would play a video of us during our vacation in Istanbul over and over again. It’s different now, his spirit remains with me but I don’t hear him coming home from work any longer,” she said.

Mariam who reduced to tears as she reminisced about her husband’s generosity said that all she wanted to do is to hug him for the final time and whispers in his ears to tell him that their sons were fine and also that she had found the courage to drive to the petrol station to refuel on her own.

“Wan Amran never allowed me to visit the petrol station alone for fear of my safety. Now, I have to be independent in manning the household.

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Having two schoolgoing children, Mariam said she keeps herself occupied with the boys, Wan Yunus Uzair, 11 and Wan Yusuf Irfan, nine who are studying at a private religious school in Kelang, Selangor.

“After the tragedy, Wan Yunus would come from school crying. He said the boys at the school would tease him for what had happened. He was shattered. The boys would come down with high fever every three months since the tragedy. I know the boys miss their father terribly but they won’t just say it to me.”

She also added that they boys would refrain themselves from crying in front of their mother as though they knew that by doing so would tear her apart.

In her grief, Mariam tries to recall the things about her husband that made her contented. The things that she will sorely miss. In her prayers, she seeks for her husband's eternal happiness.

Mariam also said she has experienced recurring dreams of him.

“It was as though he wanted to communicate with me. In one of the dreams, my husband came and smiled at me. He looked very calm, beautiful and was smiling. I felt as though he wanted to send me a message.

Her dreams had somewhat turned out to be comforting for Mariam. She knew that her husband was watching her and the boys from above.

"I know Wan Amran is in good hands. He is happier now," she said, smiling

Since Wan Amran’s flying schedules were constantly erratic, Mariam and her sons are used to celebrating the festive season without him.

“He would normally be on-call during Hari Raya. But, he would normally get our Hari Raya preparations done way before the celebration. Last year, we decided not to purchase any new Raya togs for the boys since we shop their clothes almost every month.

“When he returned from work for his Raya break…his priorities included making visits to his elderly relatives’ homes and would pass them their angpow packets. He just loved to make others happy,” she recalled.

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At times, said Mariam, her husband would place long distance calls to his favourite niece who lives in Langkawi, Kedah to just to touch base with her.

“He was the glue that kept everyone close to each other in the family. How not to miss his jokes and endearing-self,” said Mariam, as a matter-of-factly.

Mariam said, the one thing that she would sorely miss this year is to shake his hands to seek for his forgiveness.

“His absence is terribly felt. The Hari Raya celebration this time around will be a different one for my family. I have made some preparations for the boys because they are still young and they deserve to celebrate the joyous occasion. As for me, this Hari Raya will just be like any other days. I’m just feeling numb at the moment,” she said.

Taking the baby steps

As if waiting for remains of loved ones were not bad enough, families also still have yet received conclusive answers to many questions about the crash: Will perpetrators being brought to justice? Who was responsible in downing the plane? Why was it flying over an alleged war-zone?

The Dutch Safety Board reported in a preliminary statement that the plane was hit by multiple high-energy objects, a foregone conclusion experts said bears the hallmarks of a missile strike.

"Just as the rest of the NOK, we seek for justice. We demand the truth … even if it is politically-sensitive,” she said.

That life has been a struggle for Mariam since a year ago, is an understatement. She readily admitted that although her husband had left her some savings for ‘rainy days’, she must learn to be thrifty in her expenditures.

“I must say that our savings are primarily used for the boys’ education. I have my savings, but the journey is a long one. My boys are growing up really fast and I have to be wise with the expenses.,” she said.

Mariyam said she is grateful that relatives have been constantly supportive of her family during this time of hardship. Other Samaritans came out and offered all kinds of aid. She knew that Wan Amran had many friends who rallied behind her.

“I don’t know what the future holds for us. I’m taking one day at a time. For now, I’m taking baby steps, little by little and hope that Allah will be fair and kind to us ... InsyaAllah,” she concluded.

I turned my gaze to the bright-eyed and dark-skinned Wan Yusuf who bears an uncanny resemblance to his late dad.

"It's okay, my Mum will be fine... I will repay all her hardships when I grow up and become a pilot like babah ...," he said, smiling.