How to deal with grief?

I suppose the Kübker-Ross model of 5 stages of grief still stands: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. With that in mind, I am going to share with you how I cope with my grief when I lost my mother to breast cancer.

I remember when my mother was first diagnosed with cancer and my father telling us, the whole family, and my mind went blank. There was this buzzing sound in my head and I could only hear my father in mumbles. I just could not believe what I just heard. Because deep down, I was hoping that it is not real, that it is not happening. But I looked around. I was wide awake. It is real.

I remember the next moment I wanted to do was to punch a hole into the wall. I could not understand why but that was what I felt. So the stages of denial and anger happened there. Happened almost simultaneously. But I had hope that my mother could be treated to good health.

Between that moment until her final course of treatment, I was away, in and out of home, for my studies. Gladly, I was there for my mother’s mastectomy surgery, which went well. Everything was looking good. Hope was there.

It was my final semester and I was done with my final paper. My flight back home was only the day after but I just could not wait to go home. And then I got home. My father did not talk much. Neither did I. All I cared for was to be home. I looked for my mother who was in a room. There she lay. Looking weak, much thinner than I remembered. The cancer was back. And it was spreading fast.

As if he knew what I wanted to ask, my father told me it was her wish not to tell me of her condition so I would not be distracted from my studies. Finally, I sat next to my mother. Just the two of us. Alone. I broke down. There was just a rush of emotions. There was no bargaining for me then. There was only sadness. A sense of hopelessness that nothing can be done to change the inevitable. But I had not arrived to the acceptance phase yet. At that moment, it was only depression.

After my mother succumbed to her illness, the depression phase persisted. Acceptance only came months later. Even with that acceptance to the fact, the grief is still unbearable. But the passing time made it easier. I cannot tell the families of MH370 how they should cope with grief. What I can say is to give them time and space to heal. More importantly, we should give our best support to them in their times of need. Emotional support is everything. Even from total strangers.

I’m sharing this so that many can understand what the families of MH370 might be going through right now. Moreover, this sharing helps in the recovery process as well. Be the shoulder to cry on. Be the ears to listen to their mournful words. We should allow them to express these feelings because bottling them up will only the pain worse. And because grief must not be bore alone. -- The Malaysian Medical Gazette

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* This article was first published on www.mmgazette.com
** The Malaysian Medical Gazette is an online hub under The Malaysian Integrated Medical Professionals Association (MIMPA) for medical professionals to share their knowledge and experience regarding current issues and common problems on healthcare with the community in an easily accessible and reliable platform.
*** The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of Astro AWANI.