Neglect is the N word in parenting

I got really paranoid every time I read news on children and babies who lost their lives or their limbs due to unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances or accident, especially when the accident is due to parents whom overlooked the safety of their children.

I got really paranoid to a point where I don’t take my two children to malls anymore. I feel that shopping malls are malevolent place where children are conveniently snatched, kidnapped and lost, where the escalators and staircase pose fatal traps to little feet.

My husband somewhat agree with me but only to a certain point, hence we hardly take our children to malls, only outings that involve going to the playground or a big open field and only with the supervision of two adults.

However…

My paranoia gets to me at those places too. I feel that if I take my eyes off them for a bit that I might regret blinking for that very second.

Wikipedia stated that “neglect is notoriously difficult to define as there are no clear, cross-cultural standards for desirable or minimally adequate child-rearing practices”

When you let go of your two year old’s hand to rummage through your purse for some change to pay for your parking card and he went running wildly, is that considered neglect? When you forgot to call your daughter or her teacher that you are going to be late to take her home from school because your boss called for an urgent meeting and she had to wait hours outside of her school, is that considered maltreatment?

Can we really define neglect especially in this era where everything happens and passes you by ever so swiftly and fast?

Dr. Haryati Abdul Majid, a renowned psychologist told me that "yes, child neglect can be defined "as a type of maltreatment related to the FAILURE to provide NEEDED, AGE APPROPRIATE care. And although practices may differ in rearing a child across cultures, each child has a right to care, in which their basic biological, health and safety needs are met. Even if a child is living with parents who live in poverty, the child has a right to be protected from variables that can cause them harm. Intentionally exposing them to any forms of danger is a form of neglect. Not providing them adequate nutrition is neglect. Placing them in the hands of a stranger is neglect. Leaving a child who is not able to care for herself alone at home, without any support is neglect"

With this, I feel that it is (sort of) a yes to all my questions above and I guess, in some form or another, and at some or minor point, most parents tend to neglect their children.

However…

Dr Haryati reassured me that "one needs to understand whether neglect of a child has occurred previously or is a one-off incident. If it has happened before and continues to recur, it is more likely to be a result of any or a combination of the factors above, And this is more likely to be regarded as maltreatment of a child."

"However, if it has not happened before, and it occurs due to an error or lapse in judgement (most of the time unintentional), then it may not be considered as neglect. The parent(s)' attention may have been taken away by an unexpected event that resulted in the child walking away from the parents."

And that gets me to question the way I carry on parenting and it gets me to question my husband’s way of parenting. We have had a lot of arguments when it comes to parenting especially in decision making. He calls it discussion.

To me, good parenting is all about excellent team work between a father and a mother and not always about whose wearing the pants vs. whose rearing the child. It's about unison and endless wind beneath my wings kind of support.

To him, good parenting is all about providing the best for his children.

I guess our definition of good parenting, is objectively similar but (being the control freak I am) I strongly feel that my parenting style is more defined.

No doubt, under no circumstances that I worry about the kind of father my husband would be. I always knew he’d be an amazing father – fun, full of patience, gentle and kind. And indeed he is.

However…

My husband infrequently does things the way I would prefer them to be done. And it gets to me every time he breaks the ‘rules’ of disciplinary that I diligently set for my little ones.

He tends to be too lenient – letting my kids sleep way pass their bedtime, lets them eat too many snacks before meals, really long bath time without washing the back of their ears and taking them for a swim at night.

I very well know and sure that these aren’t neglect, these are just acts of spoiling a child or making up or substituting the time lost due to work and other worldly activities that eventually sums up to the benefit and for the best interest of our children.

For neglect would be the total opposite - the inability to monitor children because obviously, their safety-related behaviours are important. Taking care of a child is all about time, effort and thoughtful decision making.

And so, after too many discussions, explaining why things needed to be done a certain way (which is my way), my husband passionately pointed out (which comes like an imaginative slap on my face) that I was so engrossed with everything that he does wrong that I was missing everything he does right. Like making the best out of that little time he has with his children and giving them the time of their life at that very precious, short moment rather than fretting and sweating over the small stuffs.

So do I (really) sweat the small stuffs when it comes to parenting? Do I get my so-called paranoia gets the best of me? I guess so.

But then, do I wish for my daughter to watch less TV or for my husband to take her to bed in time? Of course! But I guess those things aren’t as important as my children (and myself) knowing for a fact that their father has never and will neglect them and that he is always, always there to tend to each and every of their many needs.

To all great men who are fathers, happy father’s day.